Absolute Zero

Here's another week of my writing journal. I think there's something of the masochist about me for posting this document of abject failure, but for some reason, right now, I'm finding it so absurd, I can only laugh. I suppose the point is that achievement can't always be measured by counting words.

Monday, 11 August, 2008
time: 0 mins
length: 0 words
comment: Exhausted from non-stop weekend including final days of film festival, meeting of book club, full day of tutor’s conference on Saturday, and tutorial preparation on Sunday. Dragged myself into uni for tutorial at 1pm. Received feedback from supervisor on most recent writing: ‘onward!’

Tuesday, 12 August, 2008
time: 0 mins
length: 0 words
comment: How easily I seem to have lost the writing habit after the first couple of very good weeks. I lazed around all morning then dragged myself out for a haircut appointment. I need to get back on track!

Wednesday, 13 August 2008
time: 0 mins
length: 0 words
comment: Nothing done again today. The psychological effects of the Ekka holiday cannot be discounted, but still I did intend to work on my thesis. I’m a bit disappointed in myself. Did lots of washing and cleaned the bathroom, as well as about two hours transcribing interviews for one of my RA contracts. This particular interviewee speaks so quickly.

Tomorrow I will try to write first thing, which I realise was the initial recommendation, but I’m not a morning person by any stretch, so I’ve always settled into the day before attempting to write. Perhaps the change of habit will shake me up. Something has to.

Just had a thought about what might be stopping me from writing, so to speak. I really have to get into the reporting of my findings now, and I’ve still got lots of categorising to do, plus the usual worry that I should go and do the database searches again in case I’ve missed something. Even if I don’t strictly write tomorrow, I at least need to report some progress on the content analysis.

Update: After writing the above entry I wrote 660 words in my teaching journal, reflecting on the tutor day last weekend and the tutorial on Monday.


Thursday, 14 August 2008
time: 0 mins
length: 0 words
comment: I succumbed to the urge to re-do some database searches. Part of the difficulty is that I’m worried I didn’t really approach the searching in a systematic way from the beginning because two of the three the databases I’m using are so bloody unwieldy, seemingly designed for use by those who know specifically what programmes they’re looking for rather than any theme or content-based search. I have been so annoyed about this glaringly obvious oversight in the design of these databases that I managed to get an abstract together on it for the television history conference later this year. So, some good has come out of all this frustration, but sheesh what a pain in the arse it’s all been.

Anyway, so, no official words but major problem solving going on—or is that major grunt work going on? My supervisor assures me that once I have the figures writing this stuff up is a doddle. Quite looking forward to that.

Friday, 15 August 2008
time: 0 mins
length: 0 words
comment: Anticipating the day ahead here. I’ve chosen to accept an RA mission for today (cue Mission: Impossible theme music), which involves finding a book and searching through it. I figure the Mission: Impossible allusion made by D in his request was a heads up that it won’t simply be a matter of looking on his bookshelves. Still have more transcribing to do for A. Promised I’d be done with this interview by the end of the week, which I’ve decided is Sunday.

On my own work, I’ll continue with the hyper-vigilant database searching. I did find it reassuring yesterday.

To end, this is from You, the Living one of my favourite films at the film festival. Neither it, nor my other favourite, My Winnipeg made it into the Showtime Top 10 as voted by the festival's patrons. Absurd.

Teaching

5 August 2008

Went into classroom yesterday and tried to create a presence. It wasn’t immediately successful because I still seemed to struggle to contain the errant chatting. I did draw their attention to it however, suggesting that it made the goal of everyone participating in discussion a bit more difficult.

On a related issue I found out that I have a range of levels in the class, everything from first year to third year. I suggested that when we do group work that people stick to people in their year levels, so that the first years have the chance to discuss their ideas without feeling intimidated by the advanced level of the third years, and similarly so the third years don’t get bored. Most were amenable to this reasoning, although one of the third year boys still tried to get in a group with some first year girls because they were closer to where he was sitting. He asked if it was a ‘rule’ that he couldn’t be in a group with first years. (Well, no. But think about someone other than yourself. Moving an extra three feet won’t kill you, especially if those girls’ confidence in expressing their ideas is affected by your somewhat bolshy presence. I only thought this).

Part of asserting my presence was done by outlining the plan for the tutorial, which was to address the questions for the first two weeks, to make sure they were answering them so they could get the marks they want. While I mentioned the various levels of learning again, I don’t think I was especially clear that they’ll need to provide more than information to get more than a pass. I asked them if they had managed to include quotes from the book to support their answers. They hadn’t, but hopefully the brighter ones will pick up on that and include them in their future answers.

I ran out of time again. We managed to answer the Tarzan questions, mostly, but didn’t get to go over the first week’s questions in any substantial way. I’ll make it a goal to have discussions about ‘popular’ and ‘culture’ next week when we discuss the topic of popular fiction more generally. I gave them a couple of news articles, where Howard had criticised the curriculum for teaching popular texts and a Web Diary blogger had dissected his assumptions, so that should feed into the discussion as well.

I made sure I fulfilled my request from last week to get them to write about an effective learning experience they’d had—even if most of them didn’t remember that I was going to ask. A couple of students didn’t write anything, which is their prerogative, but made me realise that some students just aren’t interested in this kind of meta-reflection. I can understand their impatience; they might see it as taking time away from their engagement with the content of the course, simply to help me with my teaching, when they might be thinking that’s my business to figure that out for myself. I don’t know. I’m following the advice in a couple of books on teaching in higher education that I’m reading, which cite the benefits of making the process of teaching a transparent process.

Anyway, I read through the comments of those students who did respond. They mentioned things like having an approachable teacher. Some were happy with the benefits they got from having class discussions. While some liked to have a clear exercise in class where they were able to consolidate their knowledge and understanding of a topic, by having a writing exercise or something similar.

On the one hand I figure I’m fairly approachable, especially if that’s the opposite of being authoritative in a punitive sense. It’s the open discussion vs structured activities that confuse me. In the past I’ve had evidence that students have interpreted open discussions as a sign that I haven’t planned anything, even when it’s been quite clear in my mind that there is a structure, and that I’ve worked hard on asking pertinent questions to keep the discussion moving in a relevant direction. On the matter of having set exercises, well, I guess I’ve been intimidated in the past by students who seem quite resistant to writing things down. They’re convinced it’s a waste of time and they’re not shy about saying that. Even when I know that writing things down forces everyone to think really hard and articulate something clearly that they mightn’t have arrived at simply through discussion.

I wish I wasn’t so easily intimidated, and I guess that’s why my major teaching goal this semester is about asserting a credible presence in the class room. I’ll keep on with my reading about teaching in higher ed and incorporate some of the strategies that the students themselves nominated as effective for their learning.

Anxious

I've mentioned before on this blog how much I struggle with writing. I have always found it incredibly difficult.

I have memories of being utterly paralysed when writing essays in high school. How I ever made it to university the first time around is still a mystery to me, because I completely froze in the statewide tests we took which decided the final tertiary entrance scores.

Suffice to say my fears did me no good in that first attempt at an Arts degree. I think I spent most of my late teens and early twenties in a state of fear, not just about writing, but pretty much everything. It wasn't a happy time at all.

I ended up dropping out of university and working a series of casual and temporary unskilled jobs, before I decided to have another go at tertiary education. How I ever got through my second attempt at an Arts degree is somewhat less of a mystery, but effectively I credit one incredibly supportive lecturer who was prepared to offer me extension after extension throughout the course, and still say things as encouraging as that I had assisted her understanding of the works of Julia Kristeva.

It wasn't until this particular lecturer asked if I was going to go onto Honours that it even occurred to me that it was a possibility for the likes of me. I did go on, first to achieve a first class Honours, then a Master's for which I made the Dean's List for Outstanding Research Higher Degrees, and now I'm in receipt of a second scholarship and completing a Research PhD.

At this point, you think even I'd believe that I could write, but still, this annoying and crippling anxiety about writing persists. My anxieties held up the progress of my Master's and the whole process seems to be repeating itself with my PhD.

One of the things I'm most fearful of is that I won't be finished before my current scholarship runs out. Actually, I've pretty much accepted that will occur, but if I'm feeling anxious now, I know how much more anxious I'll feel when I don't have that $380 a week (OMG, my rent is $270/week and only likely to go up).

In an effort to minimise the time that I'll have to be writing my PhD while trying to look for alternative sources of income, I responded to an email inviting people to join a 15 minute writing group. The idea is that you spend at least 15 minutes per day writing and keep a diary noting the time spent writing, the word count, a brief description of the writing, and any comments about the process. Because it's a group rather than an individual activity, the idea is that the individual diaries are circulated amongst the group members.

I've found reading other people's diaries, learning about the things that they struggle with when getting words on paper/screen, incredibly helpful. I've been more productive, in a substantial way, on my thesis in the past two weeks than I have for a long time. Ultimately, the grand total of my words thus far has been 2000. This does not seem much when I compare myself to what I imagine other, more effective, people write, but when I compare this progress with that I made in the previous two weeks, then I have improved by 100%.

It's this last figure that has me feeling far happier, with a greater sense of achievement, than I have experienced for a long time. Now I don't beat myself up verbally when I haven't written 1000 words a day, but I note how I managed to untangle a particularly convoluted thought process in just one hour.

Here's this past week's diary for your perusal. Aside from my anxiety, you'll probably learn more about my thesis than I think I've ever mentioned on this blog*.

Sunday, July 27, 2008
time: 30 mins
length: 500 words
description: Teaching journal
comment: Anticipating first tutorial tomorrow.

Monday, July 28, 2008
time: 30 mins
length: 550 words
description: Teaching journal
comment: Reflected on first tutorial and meeting with A about my LEX feedback. Turns out my problem isn’t communication, it’s authority and conviction.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008
time: 1 hr
length: 220 words
description: Thesis. Explanation of the evolution of another content analysis variable: Occupation
comment: As I was writing I had a thought about another category that needed to be included. While I’ve come across plenty of examples in my coding of patient characters who are either criminals or hospitalised, I’d forgotten about other employment external to the usual understanding of labour markets such as students and people looking after families. Immediately I could think of characters for whom I’ll need this category: Claire Fisher, Carmella and Meadow Soprano, Bree Van De Kamp…

Wednesday, July 30, 2008
time: Not so good at the time keeping today, maybe 2 hrs in total, accrued in 10-20 min stretches.
length: 280 words
description: Thesis. More explanation of content analysis variables, this time in relation to mental health professionals.
comment: If only I could sit still for more that 10 minutes before feeling the need to jump up and hang out the washing or some other domestic chore. I do use that time as thinking/refining time, but I’m convinced more effective writers can sit and concentrate for long stretches at a time. There I go again comparing myself to others. Note to self: ‘Stop it! Just try and think about how you’re on track for another 1000 “excellent and polished”** words’ (fingers crossed).

Have somehow managed to make useful remarks about the various hypotheses the content analysis will be testing. Quite fascinating that even in compiling the variables and trying to come up with categories that are exhaustive I’m getting a sense of the discrepancies between representations in television drama and mental health research as it is manifest in things like the US Surgeon General’s Report on Mental Health and the DSM-IV. Also getting a sense of developments in representations over the history of English-speaking television simply by have to explain and revise the categories.

Thursday, 31 July, 2008
time: Stuffed up the time keeping again. About an hour or so?
length: 230 words
description: Continuing with thesis.
comment: So much for the multi-tasking aspirations I started with. It’s all I can do to think about my thesis at the moment. It should be my priority anyway, the other two things are months away. Turns out I don’t have a meeting with my supervisor until next Friday, so I’ll have even more evidence of working, which can only be a good thing. Note: I’m on track for another 1000 words on my thesis this week. Also note: the Film Festival is starting and I couldn’t resist the incredibly discounted film student passes I was offered. Will be interested to see how I balance this extra-curricular activity with my writing goals.

Friday, 1 August 2008
time: 1 hr
length: 260 words
description: Thesis. Up to talking about ‘Site of Intervention/Treatment’
comment: Saw two films at BIFF today, but managed to get myself up to around the 1000 word mark for the working week before I went out. Progress is steady and in the right direction.

Aware that this diary is perhaps a little, nay, a lot, more wordy that everyone else’s. Trying to strike a balance between being overly confessional, yet making it meaningful for me as a tool of reflection.

* Don't pinch my ideas. Please. Although I don't suppose I can stop you.
** Direct quote from supervisor in feedback on previous 4000 words submitted

BIFF Tweet

The marathon starts tomorrow for me. I've bought 2 film student passes that will let me see 10 films, plus I'm planning to go to see a free screening of the silent film Siren of the Tropics which stars Josephine Baker and will be accompanied by some live jazz piano.

I've decided to Tweet my responses from the festival. If you're interested, you can follow the Twitter feed in the margins of this blog, or sign up to follow me through Twitter proper. I promise to Tweet about things more interesting than freezing cold journeys at night on the bus back from the Palace Centro at New Farm.

Beautiful Zucchini Green Soup

Winter is soup time. Here are the various stages of one I made a few weeks back. It's Zucchini, Pea, and Bacon and you can find the recipe here.

I used frozen rather than fresh peas because I had the former and none of the latter. My version was probably a bit more weighted with zucchini rather than peas because, well, I have a tendency to get a bit excited when I see nice fresh produce, and these zucchinis looked particularly good.


I'm proud to say that the mint you spy floating on top of the soup there was grown in my very own garden. I've also been able to harvest enough rocket lately to add leaves to a lentil, feta, and roast beetroot salad, as well as pack a bacon and tomato sandwich with enough greenery to make one of my daily servings of vegetables.


This is the cappuccino stage of the soup. All that froth came up while I was blending the soup. I think if I held onto that froth I could serve it at $15 a pop in a fancy restaurant as part of a degustation menu: wood smoked bacon, fresh pea, and baby zucchini cappuccino.


Here's the final version, as I ate it. The bacon and mint garnish sank into the bowl, and the olive oil drizzling doesn't exactly form any kind of pleasing pattern. Oh well. I documented my thoughts on bad food photography over at Zoe's some time ago. Go and have a look if you're interested.